TheTophat

You don’t realize how much you say no until you can only say yes

I finally started saying yes!

I said yes to:

a car ride (a level 2 for me) which eventually led to an excellent Christmas party

watching a movie (my level 3) which allowed me to rekindle some past friendships

going Christmas shopping which led to me taking a beautiful walk in the rain and a reigniting a lost flame

going to a friend’s house (started out as a level 2 but soon turned into a 3 before I got there) which gave me the courage to say yes to:

attending a music (I’m not sure what to call it) gathering(?) which lead to me being reminded of something I once wanted. It also gave me a chance to have a long talk with a good friend and deal with some very important dilemmas

But then I said no. I said two too many no’s. Or maybe one. Because I’m telling myself that one did not count because I had already said yes to something else at the same time. 

The other no hurt more. I disappointed my sister, moped in my room, and felt sorry for myself. And to top it off, I felt bad because I said “no.” But then it led way to a few conversations that needed to be had. So maybe life is just full of opportunities and they will find you one way or another. But I do know that they were much easier to find and much more enjoyable when I said yes

I know I should be thinking about you. And I do. I do think about you. I think about how you deserved so much more and how you must feel now. What are you going to do now? But more so I’m thinking about me and I hate it. What am I going to do now? Where am I going to go? How much I’ve failed and how alone I really am without you. Is there a bad taste in your mouth like there is in mine? I am filled with regret. I want to make this up to you but I’m not sure how. Are you happy just forgetting about me? I wouldn’t blame you. But I’m afraid of forgetting about you. Of forgetting how much I need to fix. I need to learn. I need to fix my mistakes. You’ve helped me so much. I owe you my everything. You gave me your everything. My only consolation, the only thing that helps me to sleep at night, is that you have said that I was your best boyfriend. Meaning I’ve helped you in some way. Please Lord, let me have made a positive difference in your life. Maybe, by helping me, an ember has been reignited in your spirit. I can only hope that I have nourished your beautiful innocence in some way. I could not live with myself if I was responsible for killing that most beautiful part of you. If I was just as deadly as all those before me. I love you. I wish I couldn’t hurt you. I wish I had done better

Thank you. You are such a great friend to me. And your advice to make this blog was a really good idea. It has been so much more useful and helpful than I could have ever imagined.

Love, your good friend

TopHat

Whether my heart is broken or bursting with love, emotion is beautiful. Especially when compared to the opposite: apathy. I’d much rather feel crippling pain than nothing at all. I’m sick of feeling nothing at all. For 3 years I felt nothing at all. And then in my finishing year, I feel joy. True, pure love, joy, and care. The most consuming emotions of all. Being able to care so deeply for other people. How overwhelming it is to go from barely feeling anything above my threshold, to feeling so much concentrated emotion so quickly. How happy it made me. And even now, I am happy. I am happy to have those memories to look back on. So happy am I that these memories are not tainted by hatred. That we can still share these with each other and not be mad or blaming. At least we’ll always have senior year, as they say.